Tuesday, March 20, 2012

What if......

(albeit a late posting - again - but I'm playing along with InstaFriday at liferearranged.com)

fabric goodness: this week's big sky love: beautiful day at the beach:
delicious dinner with friends: coffee with my girl and my thoughts

What if we lived knowing that we *couldn't* fail at anything? What if we never considered the thought that we wouldn't succeed? How different would our lives look then? I know mine would be completely different to what it is now, and that is largely due to the fact that in my life, I expect to fail. Yep.

I live, expecting to fail.


This is something I've only come to realise, and articulate, very recently, and until today I hadn't actually 'said it out loud'. I've taken note of some things that haven't 'gone to plan', of late, and analysed why that was. Each and every time, it's been because I've failed to plan, or haven't followed through on something, or have let a routine go - in essence, I've failed at what it was I set out to do. I had about 6kg of pureed tomatoes, from my garden, in the fridge, and they ended up going off because I didn't plan to preserve them; I didn't book into my son's parent teacher interviews, because I didn't follow through on the notice he gave me; my meal planning has gone out the window, because I've stopped taking the time to prepare for it; the house is a mess because I've dropped the routine I was in that kept me on top of it all; my quiet time in the morning has been shot because I stay up too late and am too tired to get up early - absolutely no being intentional there; my garden is long neglected because I've stopped spending time in it.

The sad thing is, I expected all this to happen. I expected it to happen, because it's what has happened my whole life, I don't live up to my own expectations, and am always disappointed with the outcome. I know I'm not the only one, and I've been asking myself over and over today, why do I do it to myself?? Is it because I truly am not capable of succeeding, or do I 'allow' the failures as an excuse to not have to be disciplined, and organised, and committed? It makes me cringe, but I know it's the latter - I know that being disciplined, and organised and committed takes planning, time and effort, when I'd rather be doing other things that bring instant gratification. I'd rather let the tomatoes sit in the fridge and sit down on the computer or watch a movie, than spend a couple of hours on the time it would take to preserve them and later enjoy them. I put the kid's school notes in a pile and think 'I'll get to it later' - knowing I really won't - rather than take 10 minutes to read them and sign them. Many craft projects go unfinished for years because I get bored and move onto the next thing that will entertain me. I don't go to bed early, with the intention of getting up early, because I'd rather watch mindless, 'junk food' tv shows that have no nutritional sould value whatsoever.

I'm the only one that can change this, and that was the thought that occurred to me today - what if I lived as if I knew I couldn't fail at anything? I'm not saying that that would be an easy 'transition' and overnight change in my cognitive behavioural thinking, but I know it can be done. What got me started on this train of thought was pondering over why I haven't yet really taken the time to just sit down and right - I've made a couple of starts here and there, but nothing that fulfills the pull I feel to put pen to paper. And then I read this post from Emily at chatting at the sky, and it all made sense. I think I have said it before, but I'm scared, and I don't know the full root of this fear - at least, I didn't until today, and now I have a much better idea. Emily writes, in regard to pursuing 'making art' :

'One of the biggest things that gets in our way when it comes to making art is our own ideas about it. We make it so mysterious, so ethereal, so other-than us. And it is, in a way. But if you keep it there, it will continue to be too big to touch.

You fear you'll wreck it all up if you dare to reach for it.

So you leave it up there in the clouds, sparkling just out reach. And it looks pretty and you cower beneath it all helpless and victimy'.

- Emily Freeman, chatting at the sky

Once I read that, the pieces fell into place. My fear - and expectation - of failure stops me from doing what I know is part of me, because I'm scared I'll mess it all up completely. Again. Like I have so many times in my life before. And if I don't try, I can't fail. But if I don't try, I stay stuck, right where I am, frustrated and unfulfilled.

So what do I do? There is nothing I can do but to trust the One who created me to create, to succeed, to live in the fullness of Him and His glory. This life I'm half-living at the moment is not what He intended for me, and there is a wonderful quote from Strictly Ballroom that I have never forgotten - 'a life lived in fear is a life half lived'. That is not Jesus' intention for us, to live in fear of anything, He came for us to live life to the full -

'The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.'
- John 10:10

Life to the full, not half-lived, and not lived in fear, with expectation of failure. That is what my heart longs for, and I am the only one who can make that happen, by trusting in Him.

Do I dare?

1 comment:

  1. but tricky!! I am with you though... plan and you will succeed...I am sooo with you though honey xxx