Where to start?

I’ve done it again, let fear stop me from starting.

I don’t know what to write.

I don’t know what my story is.

I have so much to tell, so much to say, so much to share, I just don’t know where to start.

God, help me, please, show me Your way, give me Your words.

I want to tell about staying married, perservering, that God is big enough.  That we as a society, as a culture, have lost the true meaning of marriage, we don’t know how to put another before ourselves, every single day, and that when the going gets tough, it is easier to give up, and hope that next time will be better.  That the alternative to what is hard is actually worse, however bad the relationship may be at the time.  That divorce is never good, even if it seems the better option, that it tears families apart, and the wounds heal into ugly scars.  That at the time, we cannot see the damage that is done, and have no idea how the destruction of marriage shapes the path we start to follow, and that there’s no going back.  That even in the reconciliation, the scars are there, keeping you wary and on guard, and they contract the skin of our selves, not letting us fully be available to the other as we need to be, for ourselves and for our kids.  That the effects of the wounding are felt for years after the event, something we cannot possibly see at the time when we just want out of the pain.

I want to tell that change is hard, and it hurts, and we’re almost allergic to it, because we don’t want to experience more discomfort, more pain, even if we have a glimmer of hope in the joy that is waiting for us.  We first have to pass through the fire, through the pain, and we shy away from that.  Wounds hurt, old and new, and memories are long, our senses are conditioned by the experiences we have, and until we create new memories, new experiences, we remember the original hurts, and let that shape our judgement and expectations.  We don’t want to face the challenge and pain of healing, and growing, because it’s hard work, and it can hurt – a lot.  I want to be an encourager, to come alongside people just facing and starting the journey I’ve been travelling, to speak words of life into them, and to walk with them as they take those hesitant, faltering steps toward the Life that is theirs for the taking.

I want to tell that there is beauty in pain, that there is nothing in this world that is strong enough to kill us if we walk with God through the darkness into the light, relying on Him for strength.  That when the world seems completely unbearable to the touch, when the every-day of life seems insurmountable, when pain is all that our senses can register, God is there, ever-present, holdingus up, no matter how alone we feel.  That from pain comes heightened awareness, a full realisation of who we are, how we hurt, and how we heal.  That pain is a blessing, because it alerts us to the fact that something is not right, in our bodies, in our hearts, in our very selves.  That despite our attempts to cover it up, to hide it, to ignore it, pain won’t go away until we bring it out into the light and see where it’s pointing, start seeking the healing we need.  

I want to tell of the beauty in our world, regardless of what it is the culture we live in tries to tell us, how it tries to deceive us.  That we don’t need the things and ‘stuff’ that our culture tries to convince us that we do.  That we need each other, because we are each a part of the whole, and when one part isn’t ‘working’, the whole feels it.  That if we just showed each other a little bit more understanding, a little bit more kindness and compassion, that if we truly learnt what it means to love one another, we would begin to heal the rifts caused by the deception that shrouds the world we live in, that what we have isn’t enough, and we need more to succeed, to be better.  No.  We need to connect, not to collect, to get, to spend, to be entertained. 

I want to tell of what it is to truly see God as enough, but that I can’t do yet, because I’m not there.  There is still a big part of me that can’t seem to let go of the world to grab on to Him completely, without hesitation, with complete and utter faith, and until I can, I don’t feel qualified to write about what it is to know that He is enough.  And yet I know that I am, because I’m seeking, because I’m travelling that path, searching for that understanding, and this is what we need to do, to share our inadequacies and foibles, the inner parts of us that we try to hide from the world.  We need to stop hiding and to bring it all into the light, so that we can each see that we are as broken and bruised as the person next to us.

Life really isn’t a dress rehearsal, there is no encore.  Whilst the eternity that is waiting for us is far more beautiful than anything we can experience here, we are here with a purpose, for a reason, and we only get one chance to fulfil that, to live as we are truly meant to.  I don’t want to waste my one chance, to drift along in life just hoping for the best.  I want to know where it is I’m supposed to go, what it is I’m supposed to go, what it is I’m supposed to say, who it is I’m supposed to connect with.  I delight in the seeking, in the wondering, in the being open to whatever or whomever comes across my path.  I also fear the unknown, not being able to predict the outcome of my actions, and dread failing yet again.  I don’t want to live like that – there is no fear in love, and perfect love drives out fear.  I want to experience living in that perfect love every day.

This one life is mine to live as only I can choose, and I choose to live.