Encouraged and inspired

First up, this week has been a bit 'light on' in the 'recording life in photos' deal, but fortunately I have an Instagram-loving DD to help with that. A quick collage of where life's at right now, playing along with InstaFriday at Life Rearranged -

My 'before' photos of the areas I'm in the process of tackling for 'Project Simplify' over at Simple Mom (Kid's stuff; Kitchen and/or pantry; Closets, countertops and drawers)

Our main 'dumping ground', supposed to be command central'!!

Cooking bench

Where we eat/do homework/have cuppas/hold family meetings - basically, the centre of our family functioning

The little boy's bedroom, a place where we're constantly on a merry-go-round of tidy-up/get messy (rinse, repeat, rinse, repeat....)

This little guy has wormed his way into our hearts, and spends a lot of time doing this......or jumping around in a completely hyperactive state (much like most toddlers, really!!)

I've been unwell with a cold the last couple of days, which has basically involved a lot of tissues, fluids, and not moving far from the couch at all. I came home from work yesterday morning, and then slept for most of the afternoon until the kids came home from school. Today has involved staying in pyjamas all-round, watching re-runs of Dr Who, Instagramming and just hanging out with the kids in general. I'm certainly not complaining - sometimes it takes being slowed down by an illness (or other such event) to just stop and be a human being for a while, rather than a human doing (which is certainly what I end up being most weekends).

Taking the time to slow down, to be rather than to do has been something I've been particularly pre-occupied with lately - not something that's unfamiliar to me, but has been more prevalent in my conscience of late. I came to a point a few weeks ago where I realised I had to make a decision about how I was managing life (or more to the point, not managing), and I decided to cut back at work by a day a week. I am very blessed to work for a great company, in an office with the most wonderful colleagues (whom I call friends), and I was very supported in my decision to work a day less a week, in a bid to try and slow down and 'catch up'. I now have Wednesdays off, and so far, I am absolutely loving the time 'off'. I made a very conscious decision that this time would not be spent doing housework, or running around 'doing jobs' all day, but that I would find the balance that would enable me to find my centre again, focus on being intentional, to not feel like I'm constantly chasing my tail and getting nowhere. I'm under no illusion that I can achieve all this in one day a week, but I do believe that by honouring what I believe God has prompted me to do, to carve out time to be able to just think and breathe for a little while, whatever comes on those days will flow through the rest of the week and beyond.

I had such an experience this past Wednesday - it hasn't taken long for me to fall into a routine of dropping the kids off at school and heading to my favourite cafe to linger over a cappuccino or two, usually whilst doing my daily devotional or something the like. Last week, after consuming an adequate amount of caffeine, I headed over to our local art gallery. We have a thriving arts community in my region, and a newly refurbished gallery as part of our local council's ongoing redevelopment of the centre of our town. As I wandered through the exhibitions, I was inspired again to put my creativity into practice, to dare to live without expecting to fail, to live life as Jesus intended for us, to the full. I don't know exactly what sparked it, but seeing the results of each artist's risk, their dare to take what's in their heart and soul and to 'put it out there', encouraged me to get back to doing the same. I haven't yet, but when I've got a modicum of energy, I will be.

Refelecting on the events of my life and of those around me has also encouraged and inspired me to follow God's prompting to express the creativity He has given me, to see it for the gift that it is, and to not waste it. Four years ago yesterday, my very dear friend Steve died in a boating accident, on a day when you could scarcely believe anything could possibly go wrong. He was a man after God's own heart, newly married and completely in love with his brand new wife Kristy, and someone who lived how God directed him to. I went back to my old blog and read some posts I had written about Steve and his passing, and it was this passage that reminded me of how important it is to use the talents God blessed us with, not to bury them in a field -

'....Then Steve died, and so much of what I had taken for granted in this life was shattered, the way I saw living, and what is 'supposed' to be was changed forever. Steve dying truly showed me that we can't assume we have the rest of today, let alone tomorrow, and this is how we should live - right now, in this moment, not for what may be. His death also taught me a lesson in 'what if', how that sentiment doesn't really matter, because we can never change the past, we have to deal with 'what is', not the 'what if'. That is a constant work in progress for me, not one I have any definite answers to. But losing Steve also showed me what God's love is for us all, how He uses each and every one of His children for His purpose, even when we can't make sense of His direction. There have been so many blessings come out of this tragedy, I've seen things in people I may never have if it all hadn't happened, and I can't help but be grateful for that'
- December 21, 2008

Without even realising it, I had written about being intentional, even back then, so it's obviously been something lingering around the edges of my psychi for quite some time. I think it's time to actually go and put that into action......

Here's to you Steve, to your always-encouraging heart, and being the inspiration to pull my finger out and just get going.

What if......

(albeit a late posting - again - but I'm playing along with InstaFriday at liferearranged.com)

fabric goodness: this week's big sky love: beautiful day at the beach:
delicious dinner with friends: coffee with my girl and my thoughts

What if we lived knowing that we *couldn't* fail at anything? What if we never considered the thought that we wouldn't succeed? How different would our lives look then? I know mine would be completely different to what it is now, and that is largely due to the fact that in my life, I expect to fail. Yep.

I live, expecting to fail.

Ouch.

This is something I've only come to realise, and articulate, very recently, and until today I hadn't actually 'said it out loud'. I've taken note of some things that haven't 'gone to plan', of late, and analysed why that was. Each and every time, it's been because I've failed to plan, or haven't followed through on something, or have let a routine go - in essence, I've failed at what it was I set out to do. I had about 6kg of pureed tomatoes, from my garden, in the fridge, and they ended up going off because I didn't plan to preserve them; I didn't book into my son's parent teacher interviews, because I didn't follow through on the notice he gave me; my meal planning has gone out the window, because I've stopped taking the time to prepare for it; the house is a mess because I've dropped the routine I was in that kept me on top of it all; my quiet time in the morning has been shot because I stay up too late and am too tired to get up early - absolutely no being intentional there; my garden is long neglected because I've stopped spending time in it.

The sad thing is, I expected all this to happen. I expected it to happen, because it's what has happened my whole life, I don't live up to my own expectations, and am always disappointed with the outcome. I know I'm not the only one, and I've been asking myself over and over today, why do I do it to myself?? Is it because I truly am not capable of succeeding, or do I 'allow' the failures as an excuse to not have to be disciplined, and organised, and committed? It makes me cringe, but I know it's the latter - I know that being disciplined, and organised and committed takes planning, time and effort, when I'd rather be doing other things that bring instant gratification. I'd rather let the tomatoes sit in the fridge and sit down on the computer or watch a movie, than spend a couple of hours on the time it would take to preserve them and later enjoy them. I put the kid's school notes in a pile and think 'I'll get to it later' - knowing I really won't - rather than take 10 minutes to read them and sign them. Many craft projects go unfinished for years because I get bored and move onto the next thing that will entertain me. I don't go to bed early, with the intention of getting up early, because I'd rather watch mindless, 'junk food' tv shows that have no nutritional sould value whatsoever.

I'm the only one that can change this, and that was the thought that occurred to me today - what if I lived as if I knew I couldn't fail at anything? I'm not saying that that would be an easy 'transition' and overnight change in my cognitive behavioural thinking, but I know it can be done. What got me started on this train of thought was pondering over why I haven't yet really taken the time to just sit down and right - I've made a couple of starts here and there, but nothing that fulfills the pull I feel to put pen to paper. And then I read this post from Emily at chatting at the sky, and it all made sense. I think I have said it before, but I'm scared, and I don't know the full root of this fear - at least, I didn't until today, and now I have a much better idea. Emily writes, in regard to pursuing 'making art' :

'One of the biggest things that gets in our way when it comes to making art is our own ideas about it. We make it so mysterious, so ethereal, so other-than us. And it is, in a way. But if you keep it there, it will continue to be too big to touch.

You fear you'll wreck it all up if you dare to reach for it.

So you leave it up there in the clouds, sparkling just out reach. And it looks pretty and you cower beneath it all helpless and victimy'.

- Emily Freeman, chatting at the sky

Once I read that, the pieces fell into place. My fear - and expectation - of failure stops me from doing what I know is part of me, because I'm scared I'll mess it all up completely. Again. Like I have so many times in my life before. And if I don't try, I can't fail. But if I don't try, I stay stuck, right where I am, frustrated and unfulfilled.

So what do I do? There is nothing I can do but to trust the One who created me to create, to succeed, to live in the fullness of Him and His glory. This life I'm half-living at the moment is not what He intended for me, and there is a wonderful quote from Strictly Ballroom that I have never forgotten - 'a life lived in fear is a life half lived'. That is not Jesus' intention for us, to live in fear of anything, He came for us to live life to the full -

'The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy;
I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.'
- John 10:10

Life to the full, not half-lived, and not lived in fear, with expectation of failure. That is what my heart longs for, and I am the only one who can make that happen, by trusting in Him.

Do I dare?